Category: Uncategorized

  • Day 43 – 4Cs

    Meditation Day 19 – 56 minutes on the top bunk
    28

    Driving back up to Seoul, I listen to the Diary of a CEO with Steve Bartlett interviewing Master Shi Heng Yi.

    According to the Shaolin monk, there are five hindrances to self-Mastery:

    1. Craving of sensual desires (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing) – Pull it towards us and it will swing away from us.
    2. Aversion or ill will – Move it away from us. It’ll always come back to us.

    He demonstrates by holding a necklace away from him. If you pull it towards us, it will swing away from us.
    If you push it away, it will swing back towards you.

    My thoughts, speech and actions have consequences. And thus, I must ask the three questions that I forget too often. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

    3. Dullness/Heaviness – Am I unmotivated?
    4. Restlessness – Is my mind running a mock?
    5. Self-doubt – Indecisive

    How do we recover from these hindrances?

    Recognize what I am experiencing
    Accept what is happening without identification
    Investigate why I am feeling this way
    Non identification with that experience

    To meditate is to see and experience things as they are. Without making up stories and living in the made-up world of our minds. Few years ago, Shaman Sean told me, “You can relieve the past with the present. Stop looking backwards, and be in the present.”

    What does Master Yi do first thing in the morning? He tries to start the day empty, by sitting still. Then standing and holding the position. And so, I am motivated to meditate… but I know I cannot rely on motivation, as this needs to become a daily practice, no matter what. No matter where I am and where I am flying to. All these excuses with no legs to stand on.

    Listening to the podcast twice, which is what I do if it resonates me. I look at my non-meditation days. And so, after starting the wash, I go up to the top bunk to meditate. New headphones in my ears. After 32 minutes, my mind continues to wander. But I continue to sit for the 52 minutes, to get through the finishing Metta.

    Master Yi says we are brought up to strive more. Do better. Do more. When we are already enough. We are already abundant. We are exactly where we are supposed to be.

    5:40pm SA time, 12:41am tomorrow here locally. Why am I supposed to be here? What am I supposed to see and learn to let go of? Initially, I booked the ticket and a place to stay to check out today. Letting someone talk me into staying longer, saying it would be too short.

    But it would have been perfect, to have spent the 7 days exactly at a place I had longed to return to. Last year, I made peace with leaving. Learning that where I am from is not necessarily where I belong.

    Master Yi says we can only learn skills from masters and mentors, but we must use them to live our own lives. No one else will live them for us.

    As I sit to write this love letter to the end of sufferings. Wrapping my arms around her, I feel her shake. The pain and incredulity that I know too well. Even now, memories that make me shudder, my body shaking. Yet, I have come a long way. To forgive and not break down. To move on, and clear the air.

    I wasn’t born to suffer. I am meant to use my suffering to come out of it. To help those closest to my karmic ties come out of it with my act, and my spreading of metta, to share my good karma and positive vibrations.

    To end suffering. To find peace. To be at peace requires self-mastery to do what is good for me, without distractions or confusions.

    With Continuity of practice, Consistency builds. With consistency, Competence is attained. And with competence, Confident, we become, dispelling self-doubt, dullness and restlessness. By focusing our energy to do what matters to us the most.

    After meditating and closing the day with this love letter, I vow to get up early to get to my first destination at least one hour early, in order to do what is important and urgent. To live my life, using the skills and lessons learned from masters and universe. To trust myself to do what is right and necessary. To level up once again, graduating this phase of my life. To begin anew. To another empty beginning, despite the doubt, restlessness and what ifs playing on my mind.

    Thanks for reading. I hope your day was as prime as you are.

  • Day 42 – double imo

    Meditation Day 18 – 0
    Day 27

    I wake up rested and at peace. It feels like home.

    Five year Hayul asks,”Imo, where is your mom?”
    “I don’t have a mom.”

    My aunt, feeling bad, chimes, “I also don’t have a mom. You should be good to your mom? Your aunt and your grandmother don’t have moms!”

    Aunt mentions again. “I think you should have a kid even if you don’t find a partner. If you have a baby, I will help you look after it.”

    “What? You said you wouldn’t do that for me and I’m your daughter.”

    “Your kids are all grown now. Your nieces and nephews, they don’t matter. When you get old, you can only lean on your kids. You are independent now, but you’ll get old too.”

    “You’re right”, I tell her. “I’m worried. These days there is constant restructure.”

    After eating more food (strawberries, chocolate and Korean yellow melon) my body doesn’t have space for, I get ready to leave.

    The drive to my next destination is 1 hour and 44 minutes, going against traffic. Public transportation would have taken 4 hours. Driving down, with one more hour to go, I stop at the service station to catch up on yesterday’s love letter and do today’s.

    Korean rest stop is an experience in itself. Massive bathroom to minimize wait times. At least 40 different food places to choose from. Clean interior with enough tables to sit inside and outside. Drinking iced cafe latte from A Twosome Coffee, I click on my laptop, describing what I see. Ordering is done at kiosks with credit cards. No exchange of conversation. No exchange of cash.

    Beat signature robot can make you coffee in seconds without any human intervention. Soon, workers in Korea will be replaced by robots. Not enough people, and the people don’t want to do these jobs anymore.

    I am grateful for the time I have with my two aunts. The only two people from whom I feel genuine love and care. Saying things and doing things for what is best for me, not wanting anything from me. Except my own happiness and good life. Feeling bad for me and my siblings for having lost our mom early. Losing our dad earlier than every one of our cousins.

    Thank you for caring and continuing to showering with us love. I am eternally grateful.

  • Day 41

    Meditation Day 17 – 0
    Day 26 – well done!

    Last night, I scoured the web to find a Korean barbecue restaurant, finding the best one near where she’s staying. Waking up early, I pack up, pay for the remainder of my stay, and run to catch the train to my first destination. It’s a busy morning, and I walk as fast as I can.

    As I arrive, I ask her to step out the door, to please talk when we are walking.
    “You should have gotten here sooner. Why didn’t you wake up early?” …

    As we walk to the restaurant, I go the wrong way and correct myself after 100 meters.

    “My legs hurt, so I’m not supposed to walk far, why are you taking me this way?”
    “I’m sorry. It’s not too far. I took the wrong way.”
    As we sit, we notice how deserted the place is. Side dishes not looking great.
    “This place doesn’t look that great.”

    As we talk, I find myself getting frustrated. Eventually, giving up. It doesn’t matter what I say, as she is clear on what she wants to say. What she believes in.

    “Why don’t you eat the rest of the meat?”, I ask.
    “I don’t like pieces with a lot of fat.”

    She pays for the meal we both didn’t enjoy.

    “Can you show me how to use the washer? I’ve never used one in Korea.”

    I turn the knobs and show her how different settings change the time and temperature. Do you want it to be cold or hot? Cold, she says. I turn it off by accident, and this time, press the play button, to start the wash.

    “It doesn’t say how long it’s going to take”
    “AI will determine the time based on the weight of your load.”

    One hour and ten minutes start the clock. I stretch and eat a corn before heading out.

    “Why don’t you stay until the wash is done?”
    “It’s another 41 minutes.”

    “Can’t you wait?”
    “I have plans and I’m quite busy. When the wash is done, it’ll play a sound, and you will hear the door unlock with a click. You’ll be fine.”

    One hour to my next destination, three different trains with 800meters walk to my aunt’s place. Once there, I let myself in with the door password. Everything here is digital and so, convenient.

    I open boxes and envelopes revealing cosmetics and skincare products I ordered online. I leave to withdraw money from my South African account to put it into my Korean one. Inside the store, I buy a pair of shorts and sweatpants that fit my body. Buying clothes here. Everything that touches my skin is so easy. Everything designed and made to fit my body. This is when I feel myself being Korean.

    “Where are you?” my cousin calls.
    “I’m shopping.”
    “We’ll go meet you at Lotte Mart.”

    Once there, my cousins’ kids act up and are forced to go back home with their mom. At the mart, my aunt buys me a rash guard, zip up hoodie, seaweed, dried Pollak and mixed seaweed back.

    At the restaurant, they order what I want to eat. They don’t even like crabs. I eat as much as I can, the honored guest, having experienced the feeling of not receiving gratitude for the effort that went into picking up a place to eat. Even if not everything is to my taste, I say everything is wonderful.

    “What is your bank account number? I will transfer money to you so you can pay towards the monthly 청약금. 니꺼 계자번호 여기에다 써놔. 이모가 매달 넣어줄께.”

    I feel the difference between the two meals.

    This love letter goes to my aunt for treating me with love and care whenever she sees me. Always thinking about me and showing me with her words and actions.

    “How you start is how you sustain.”

  • Day 40 – omakase

    Meditation Day 16 – 0
    Day 25

    To getting to know people close to me. And by doing so, getting to know myself better. To appreciating time with family and friends. To having thoughtful conversations where people feel safe to confide in me, knowing that I won’t spill their beans.

    I’ve been here before and something feels off. After walking in circles, I check the confirmation text. The GPS got the location wrong. I’m 17 minutes away on foot or 10 minutes via taxi. I message my cousin, feeling rushed. I get there in 10 minutes and rush through lunch. My fourth meal in Seoul, and my favorite that agrees with my body. Not too spicy and delicate flavors. Omakase style.

    “omakase” in Japanese means I leave it to you.

    I tell my cousin that the map is broken. “Show me.” After a quick glances, he smiles, “You entered the wrong place. Is that place still there?”

    I had entered 스시아이 but auto correct made it into 스시아지… The last letter sending me into a spiral. Funny how I blame others when I entered the wrong address. Especially after telling him and friends over lunch yesterday that as you get older, your ability to solve problems diminishes.

    He doesn’t let me pay. Instead, I buy coffee for his staff. After he’s done cleaning, we go out for coffee and snacks.

    He tells me a secret. People like confiding in me. “You should only two things when looking for a partner. Get rid of all other expectations,” he tells me. His? She must not go to church and she must be younger than 35 to be able to have children. He’s always wanted kids. He says I look better and younger than when he saw me from few years ago. He cheers me on for putting myself out there and going to all these classes.

    As we enter a building, I scurry just behind him, a turnstyle designed for one person. “It’s only for one person!” he protests. “I’m probably the only person in your life that will play with you in this way.” He agrees and we laugh.

    He says he doesn’t like people. He wears a mask so he doesn’t have to talk much and hide his expressions. He is clear on what he likes and what he wants to do with his my time.

    As we walk, I check my phone and I need to get back to attend an important meeting, and start my work day. Instead of going towards the river, I direct him to the bus station. As we say goodbye, I give him a big hug, and I get back to the Hoppin House.

    A close colleague has been given a retrenchment letter, and another close one has been affected. “How do you feel”, she asks me. “It’s like being inside the hurricane. Not knowing when it’s going to take off.”

    Lessons learned in the five days I’ve been here.

    Prioritization and commitment go hand-in-hand. Order of operation changes everything.
    Dedicating first waking moments to myself to meditate, write and watch the light push out the night ensure I keep my commitment to myself, the most important person in my life. By doing what matters the most first thing in the morning, I can go through the day with ease and confidence. Not only that… I have very little left to give at the end of the day. With 57 minutes to go, I wonder what I would have written had I started my day with this love letter.

    As I think about what to write to my future self one year from now, I wonder how I want my life to look and feel. What kind of work am I doing? Who I am spending my waking and before going to sleep moments with. Where I am.
    Life cannot be lived like omakase.
    I must leave it to myself to create the future by doing what I need to, in the present moment.

    What would be on your postcard to your future self?

  • Day 39 – 교보문고

    Meditation Day 15 – 0
    Day 24

    Where has the day gone? It’s already tomorrow.

    After meeting a friend for lunch of Korean beef that melts in my mouth, we get coffee. Wind is blowing, the sky is blue. Another perfect day.

    I am still full from the meal 12 hours ago. Thereafter, I’m off to my favorite place: Kyobo Book store (광하문 교보문고). Picking up a cookbook titled, “Beautiful Korean Food 300”, Cantonese fiction, “귀신들의 땅” translated into Korean, and stationery set, bringing me intense joy.

    Then an impromptu visit to watch the light show inside one of the palaces in the middle of the evening, sharing my cousin’s wife sweater, marveling at this beautiful city with so much to see and so much to do.

    Another busy day with people and work. It’s only been four full days here, yet it feels like an eternity – not good or bad. Just is.

    I am looking forward to cooking with the basics, this book that was written by the Traditional Korean Food Laboratory when I’m back home in Cape Town.

    The picture of light show reflecting on the trees and pond around 9pm local time.

  • Day 38 – another perfect day

    Meditation Day 14 – 0
    Day 23

    I write this love letter to new feelings and experiences in familiar places.

    To discovering old places, I had forgotten about. Last night, as I come back from 신사동 after battling to turn on the TV, working on my laptop that I brought (good job, you!). On the way back, to get to 90 minutes of exercise, I keep on walking to find Han River. At 87 minutes, tomorrow arrives and I start over. People are walking, jogging, riding bikes, scooters, practicing golf swings and walking their dogs. I had forgotten about the river. I sit down in one of the exercise areas to stretch my legs and check up on Catherine in the USA. It’s 8:08am at Coachella. I tell her, “I’m walking South African hours.”

    To meeting new people.

    I walk back to the coworking and co-living space to find four people working. It’s uncanny to find people like me. Remote workers working non Korean hours.

    “Hi, I’m Martin. What’s your name? I’m Half Cantonese. Half Korean. It’s the worst of both. Koreans are so vain. Cantonese are known for dim sum and finance only.”

    “You’re double goodness, not half and half.”
    “I’ve never been told that. Maybe it’s too much. I have a big ego”

    He works in healthcare start up providing consolidated patient care. Working California hours.

    I ask him my favorite question, ‘what have you done lately to make yourself happy?’

    “You go first”
    “I just walked the han river, that was really cool.”
    “I came to the coworking space.”

    I excuse myself to start my work. Before wrapping up, a girl across from the desks comes over to introduce herself. “Hi, I am Rina. I just arrived from Japan.”

    She exports Japanese crafts overseas. Recently started working for government, a prerequisite to start a curated tourism business.

    We exchange Instagram handle, and I tell her she should visit Cape Town.
    “Wait, they speak English in South Africa?”
    “Yes!”
    “Then I will definitely come and visit”

    To the first sip I take, my heart jumps with joy. Almond ice latte, strong and smooth. My first café experience, as I sit here, arriving half hour too early before meeting my cousin. Write with words printed on the outside of my umbrella I just bought, onto these pages.

    As I look away from the laptop, the barista catches my eye. “Do you need anything?”

    “커피 너무 맛있어요! (This coffee tastes so good!)”
    “감사합니다” 활짝 웃으며 배꼽인사 해주신다.

    To my cousin for his generosity.
    I message him: Do you want coffee? Do you want to have lunch before we start? 커피 마실래? 점심 먹을래?
    Him: Just come up. 그냥 와.

    I’m grateful for my family for making time for me.
    I’m grateful for having work that keeps me engaged and accountable to work into the night. To have health stress to keep myself upright.
    Another perfect day wrapped in gratitude with sun spilling all over. The practice of finding joy wherever I go, whatever I do is paying off.

  • Day 37 – a perfect day

    Meditation Day 13 – 0
    Day 22.

    A perfect day.

    Why is it a perfect day? Waking up at 5am South African time, I feel at ease. Rested. I made no plans today and so, there is no one to see and nowhere to go. Well, I tried and nothing stuck, and that is exactly how it’s supposed to be. Thank you universe, for this day of empty beginnings.

    I use the umbrella adorned with hanja to run a quick errand that turns into an hour of walking and admiring empty streets. Taking local paths instead of the popular walkway. Surprised and pleased to see local restaurants, on the other side of the main tourist attraction. I would like to try a crab restaurant(간장게장 정식), but I’m still full from last night’s shared dinner of octopus, and fried chicken from the night before.

    Life is abundant. Always presenting us with infinite possibilities. Instead of filling empty shopping bags with things we’ll never use, I try to take a step back to think about what I want.

    How easy is it to gain weight, not listening to the body. Feeding more than necessary. The same can be said about the mind. Feeble attempt of 12 minutes the night before, but started again, I did. The more we feed without emptying, the more congested and uncomfortable we become.

    What do I like? Fresh fruits and vegetables. Wholesome meals. On my second day here, I bought a bag of Fuji apples, each fruit is the double the size of my first. It is my favorite snack, always in season. I do not desire to eat today, aside from this apple, that nourishes my body.

    I continue the analysis from yesterday, in the co-living and co-working space, where I do not feel rushed to order something off the menu to pay for my time here. The joy of fixed fee per day, with access to free coffee and snacks.

    Today, I enjoy the sensation of being empty. Letting the body rest from having to digest people, food and places. Enjoying the space to feel myself growing and moving on.

    On this path, walking slowly, covering myself with my favorite umbrella, feeling the rain splatter and splash onto my skin. Without rushing and going at my speed. Not looking at anyone or anything, just being with myself.

    To you, a perfect day of ease, I love you for giving me the space to slow down and rest.

  • Day 36 – Familiar

    Meditation Day 12 – 12 minutes
    Day 21

    I walked by the Hoppin House as I was leaving my favorite gluten free bakery last year. It is available this time around. They were able to find me a bed, by moving rooms few times. My first time getting my own place instead of staying at my Aunt’s. It feels better, this neighborhood. The space I have to myself. I know my way around this neighborhood. Comma cafe, Rabbit House. Holly. I like the vibe. Walkway next to a little creek, with shops all around.

    I am different this time around. Here for 12 days, planning get-togethers in advance. Working during South African hours, instead of walking aimlessly, as I did for five months during the sabbatical in Korea.

    I am comforted by the familiar space and comfort of a local bank account, apps that work, and friends and family I can connect with. The most perfect trip yet.

    I come downstairs from the third floor to the second floor. To eat an apple and write this love letter to familiarity.

    “Hi, my name is Andres, from Chile. I am working remotely for six months and need to find a new job because they are finally making me come back to the office. I will be in Japan in August.”

    He reminds me to be grateful for my remote work arrangement. That I could have flown over the 4-day weekend to work the 4 days, and do the same next week. I am happy to have work, and people to keep me accountable. To be grounded.

    What a day getting my face taken care of, more shopping, and dinner. I come back to continue to write and do work after.

    The external monitor doesn’t turn on. Andres is working his Chilean hours, and he wiggles the cable. “Muchas gracias”.

    Seoul, Korea. HongDae. The roads, the apps, the people. It is nice to be in a familiar and safe place. Yet, the sky looks different. Further away and I don’t know… familiar yet foreign.

    P.S. When you have someone cheering you on, it’s easier to cross the finish line.

  • Day 35 – Scheduled ahead

    Meditation Day 11 – I meditate for hours on the plane.

    I am flying across Asia right now.
    This post has been scheduled to be published today. The power of planning, to do what I like. And with this knowledge comes power to act. I know where I am going to be, and with who.

    And so, it makes my life better, this predictability. With structure comes the freedom to improvise.

    I love calendars, dates, times and time zones.

  • Day 34 – Airports

    Meditation Day 10 – 22 minutes
    Day 19

    The ride to the airport is fun. How many years has it been… since someone dropped me off or come to pick me up? The last time I came to this side of the airport, I was leaving for Korea on my sabbatical, thinking I was never coming back. This time around, I’m leaving for less than 13 days, with every intention of returning to my favorite city.

    Where are you going? Where are you coming from?

    At the immigration line, boy and girl play and run from their mom and dad. Same age, different gender and race. Both vying for their father’s attention, and they get it, in turns. Wearing mismatched crocks. One pair army green another rainbow unicorn. “Unscrew this pole”, says mom, as the girl hangs back too long. I wonder why the Immigration staff won’t let them in front of the line, something I have seen being done in the USA. Boy falls behind and starts crying, “You left me”. “We will never leave you behind, we love you.” says the mom as she pulls him close to her chest. And just like that, he’s okay again.

    “Where is your permanent residency certificate? You’re suppose to carry it.” The immigration official reminds me again. I’m sure to forget this.

    At Addis Ababa, I am parched. I want a smoothie. A restaurant sells it for $12. A shop sells a 500ml watermelon juice for $8. It’s the most expensive juice I’ve purchased in a while, worth every penny. I wish I brought some of my dollars. The sweet watermelon quenches my thirst, before boarding the full flight to Incheon.

    A man is sitting on the wrong window seat, having to move up forward. A heavy man who’s supposed to sit there yields the window seat to the grateful woman, leaving me unhappy. A big man, he asks if he can turn up the armrest. I say ‘no’. Funny, I just had this conversation with someone. Through the flight, I could feel our bodies touch, and I grab a exit card between us, craning my body towards the aisle seat. I sleep okay, having beef with rice instead. Not my favorite meals. I wish for salad or fruit.

    I land the next day, feeling too full. Third airport in the last 24 hours. After buying an e-sim, I walk over to the bus ticket office. A man wearing square glasses walk towards me, his silhouette and face reminding me of my late father. It often jars me, being back. Seeing familiar faces from strangers.

    I get on the bus, marveling at the best weather we’re having. It’s supposed to rain today, but it won’t. Only pouring on Tuesday, the day I’m supposed to work anyways, and I had no intention of leaving the co-living space.

    My tarot card on the day of leaving reminds me to move on and move forward. The choice is yours. Leave or be left behind.